My oldest daughter is on the cusp of launching. She got her bachelor’s degree in graphic design and was able to get a job 3 weeks after graduation. I’m beyond proud and impressed. After making the dean’s list every semester and then locking down a job in her field within a month of graduation she has exceeded what the statistics report on recent college graduates. And I’m happy. I’m happy that she has worked so hard and is on the cusp of having her own place and being an adult. Something she herself desires.
But there are naysayers that are looking at me like I’m cruel.
“How can you be happy she’s leaving? She’s your child!”
“How can you be so excited? You lose your child!”
I didn’t know there was an expiration date on being a mother. I don’t know what kind of relationship they have with their kids, but me and this girl are solid. In fact, when she didn’t live with me and was in dorms, she called me all the time. I knew more about her life then than I do sharing a roof with her. Because at the end of the day we don’t retire from being parents. If you do it right, you get to evolve into having a best friend you just happened to create.
What say you are you an empty nester what tips do you have for me?
Recently I received a bad review on Google. I’ve been a builder for six years and one of my biggest fears has been the dreaded bad review that is inevitable when you work with the public because people are flawed. I’m not perfect and neither is anyone else.
Something I’ve learned from therapy and countless self-help books and podcasts is “It’s none of my business what other people think of me.”
The timing of the bad review was sort of poetic as well. I want you to imagine it. I’ve recently been attacked by two dogs while going to look at a renovation job. I feel like I’ve been in a car wreck. I’m not sleeping well and I’m still recovering. While I’m lying in bed scrolling on social media to distract myself from the pain and tiredness of my body I get a notification. Someone whose name I’d already forgotten left me a bad review on Google.
She basically was offended by how I dressed, how I wore makeup, how my husband was with me, and he was the real builder, how I didn’t have any idea about how to build because I was too expensive and what my quote was could do a whole house. Then the end was when she said I never gave her an estimate for the window replacement, and I thought I must be better than her.
After reading it a couple times I just started laughing, because it was hilarious, when you consider I thought I was going to be mauled or dead a few days ago. In the bigger picture it really was a small thing. And when I slept on it and read it again it’s a classic projection of her own insecurities and didn’t have anything to do with me. I did respond to it in a professional but authentic way.
Since then, I’ve shared it with my husband, and we’ve had the attitude of what pertains to us and how can we learn from this apply to our business to do better. Really a bad review is an opportunity to be better. History has taught us if you are surrounded by yes men and no one who is authentic and honest you basically are securing your own downfall.
Something I have learned in my over 40 years of life is that family and friends are not always with you. They don’t always leave in anger or betrayal. Sometimes they quietly just slip away as your season and common bonds change. Life changes such as divorce, career, health, living situations, religion, empty nesters vs people who have kids at home, something as simple as your kid who always played baseball suddenly only wants to do karate can be the catalyst of your friend group suddenly leaving.
But just because your interaction changes doesn’t mean that the love doesn’t remain. I have a friend that I loved dearly for 15 years. We no longer are in contact and that’s ok. However, through the course of our connection there were some things that she taught me that when I do them, I think of our history and smile. Here are wonderful things that I learned from someone that I used to know.
You can be pretty and do yard work. I’d never met someone who would do her hair, put on makeup and a dress and go weed her garden. Thanks to her if I feel like it, I wear a dress on a jobsite or to weed the garden.
Fluff the wreathes and the Christmas trees. Don’t just take them out of storage and call it a day.
Dead head the flowers of your plants. If you do this, you keep nutrients from going to things that are dead and allow the flower to be healthy and have more blooms.
There is value in taking your time to do things. I used to be someone who moved, unpacked and threw the photos on the wall. She was someone who took her time and moved things around. Every time I left her house; I wanted to invest in having a better place.
While we no longer talk, I don’t wish her bad. Just because were no longer in the same circle doesn’t mean I ain’t rooting for you.
Moving quietly and not sharing all your doing can be a cathartic experience. The first time I ever did this I wrote my first book. A novel called Glazier. Once published by a small publishing house out of Georgia called Astrea Press. It has since closed and I have my book rights back. It was going to be the stepping stone to my multimillion dollar writing career. That did not happen but it was an amazing experience. The opportunity I learned from that experience was that I can make moves quietly, only sharing my creations with a chosen supportive few confidants. This can be extremely rewarding emotionally as well as energetically. And goes completely against our post immediately on social media play by play updates of your daily life. Think of it like pulling the arrow back on a bow. When you finally let go and launch your project all that momentum propels you and it forward.
With the social media world, we live in and many people using their lives as part of their art and business waiting to post something can have a fomo (fear of missing out) reverse effect. What I mean is you’re scared someone will miss seeing what you’ve done. And you fear that you’ll miss an opportunity to be seen.
But the beauty of social media is we control our narrative and when and if we share. So take the time to be present in the moment when you are doing something. The beauty that I found of having a present mindset is that you connect more fully with those around you and can have the value of the experience. Now I’m not saying don’t take the time to take photos and videos. Especially if you are planning on using it on social media later. But do just enough to get what you need then put away your camera. Being present means having your eyes and attention forward and not on the other side of a lens or screen.
When was the last time you were present? How was it?
“There is enough, and all my needs are met and will be met.” Is literally the greatest lesson I’ve had to learn in this life. It’s an ongoing active muscle I have to constantly exercise. It always shows up in my life in some form or another. From a tithing promise in organized religion to my greatest fear in therapy to a life lesson from a psychic reading from my guides, this theme keeps coming up.
To be honest I’m not surprised since I am a child of poverty. Growing up with a single teen mother who had her own generational trauma to overcome, it is a reasonable response to develop. But then I also had a mom who made shit happen. All our needs were met, maybe not as expected but we’re met. And it taught me how to be fucking creative at problem solving. Like coffee filters can be toilet paper and paper towels in a pinch. Then if you take into account the sum total of all the environmental trauma I’ve experienced it’s a wander I’m still alive and semi sane. One house fire, three tornadoes, two floods, two hurricanes, two ice storms and two financial collapses there seems to be a common lesson here.
It also seemed to be a principle I wasn’t perhaps learning. Which might be why I kept undergoing similar experiences with different details but the same feelings.
What was the lesson?
“There is enough, and all my needs are met and will be met.”
If that’s the lesson that I need to learn.
If that’s something more than what if I applied this idea like the law of gravity. In religion they say faith fuels blessings.
What if I believed in this like a principle? In spirituality they say that manifesting starts with stating as if it’s already happened and believing it to be.
What if I declared it daily? How would my life change? How would it influence my choices?
Well I’d start having more experiences. I’d start using the resources I had like credit cards and rewards points to do the shit I want to do. I’d have more courage to take risks in my business. I’d be more giving and charitable to those in need. Because it’s just money and I can always make more. Trying to rewire my brain from over forty years of programing is a hard but doable concept. I want to be very clear this is an active lesson I am trying to learn. I am not an expert. I’m just in the thick of it. And I have some hacks that I have found that are working.
1. I say affirmations to myself in the mirror. “ Money and resources flow freely and easily to me and my husband Chris.”
2. I dream big.
3. I don’t make choices based on past Bri. Like you don’t want to make the same mistake you did in 2008. These are fear based thinking practices and aint’ nobody got time for that.”
4. No decisions based on fear. If I’m afraid I just sit still and do or say nothing until I can process it.
5. Take time to think before I do anything.
6. Daily gratitude.
7. I consume uplifting and educational content from social media to music to movies.
8. No news.
9. No drama.
10. I will pay for experiences but not the acquisition of stuff to keep up with the jones.
11. I live a minimalist lifestyle and I’ve defined what that means for me.
What tips do you have for no longer living in financial fear?
Clutter, shopping, binge watching television shows, and social media along with countless other habits have become the go to distraction of most people in modern society. What happens when you take those away? The consequence is, boredom and feelings. That’s right when you take away the dopamine high provided by a great deal, or the stylish fit, or that season finale every episode is a build up to, you are left open and bare.
A realization I had and left me feeling melancholy. Until I made a change.
What was the cure for my mental angst?
Getting up before the dawn. That’s the life I lead now I get up when my body is ready no matter what time. So far, it’s been a great experience but some days it’s like well shit now what do I do. Here’s the answer.
When people find out that I get up at 3am they think I’m some kind of extremist and then they find out I’m an aspiring minimalist. They’re like oh she’s one of those self-improvement assholes. But I’m not really. I didn’t wake up one day and have all these habits. It started with one need. Sleep.
I learned about circadian rhythms watching one of my favorite shows Big Bang Theory. Then I found out that the bed we sleep on, a Sleep Number, has this app that helps give you biofeedback. Within that app after sleeping on the bed for months, I found what my optimal wake up and bedtime were. Then I saw a TikTok that said getting up at the same time each day and going to bed as well were optimal for your health and wellbeing. At this point I felt like the universe was all but screaming at me.
So I made the decision to wake up and go to bed at the same time each day and listen to my body. At first the story I was telling myself is this is stupid, people will think your stupid, what will you do with the time. In all these internal stories I was the narrator and author of in my own head. Once I started doing it I’ll admit it took me weeks before it became a habit. And honestly, I would drink three cups of coffee and scroll, then I started watering my plants, reading, replying to email. Eventually my husband started getting up with me and we learned the value of easing into your day.
Easing into a day is our favorite thing when we camp and vacation. The luxury of not having to rush and have things done by a certain time make our days so much more enjoyable. Since we developed the habit of early to rise early to bed other habits have followed. We work out 4-5xs a week. We have breakfast and dinner together. I usually pack his lunch and my own for the day. We have opportunities to be around each other and exist and just have conversations that come up organically. There are tons of great benefits to this choice. We wake up and look forward to each day. The sense of dread over the day starting has been eliminated. We can spend hours before we have to be anywhere being around each other and tandem scrolling, drinking coffee, sitting on the porch or reading. I water my plants, meditate, say affirmations, make our bed, and am usually ready to leave by 8AM. Sooner if the days’ plans require. We both no longer have any need for sleep aide. We’ve both been fighting insomnia for almost ten years. On average we get about 7-8 hours of sleep a night. I’m beyond happy with the way I live my daily life at this point. Which unfortunately is something that most people can’t say. And to think it all started with getting up before the dawn would bring me the greatest sense of joy?
What say you? Are you going to find your circadian rhythm?
As I sit in our motorhome and watch my husband, Chris, of twenty-four years wash the breakfast dishes I find myself content. It is a foreign concept to allow myself this pleasure. Being the daughter of trauma that I am I’ve literally had to work on myself to allow this opportunity. Don’t get me wrong I’m not talking about the money I’ve earned to be in a motorhome or the freedom being self-employed allows us to take off and camp. It’s not that kind of work.
It’s the internal reprogramming of a life of bullshit indoctrinated into me by ancestors, media, organized religion, and society. For most of my life I’ve believed that to have joy or pleasure was not afforded to me because I was _____. (poor, a bastard, white trash, unproductive, uneducated, had a GED, no degree,) The word combinations were endless. If I’d catch myself happy then I’d say, “Woah you haven’t earned that joy.”
What the fuck kind of internal dialogue did I have to say things like that to myself as early as ten?
Now in my early 40’s I’m just breaking through all the deprogramming and learning the truth. You can have joy without contentment, but you can’t have contentment without joy.
Contentment is like the baseline operating mode that you should be most of the time. It’s an emotional rhythm people find and can maintain due to all the little daily choices they make based on their internal value systems.
Joy is when something exceptional happens to spike the baseline of your emotional standard. It’s kind of like the high note of a song. You can’t sing a whole song in a G. You must take a breath eventually and go back down to a tone you can maintain. That’s emotional baseline.
Most people, like me, seem to be in a constant emotional baseline of fright or flight. There is no time for peace or rest because_____. Insert whatever reason. That’s not to say there aren’t good reasons. But if people living in poverty who work every day just to meet their basic needs make time for rest, joy, and celebration. Why shouldn’t you?
Guilt is the cockroach of a woman’s emotions. Never fully dying or eradicated. I am a woman, so I speak from that point of view. It doesn’t matter what season I’m in, how successful I am, or how much I struggle. I feel guilt like the sticky film left on my skin after working in the humidity of a southern summer afternoon.
There’s a song lyric I hear all the time and it says, “I got a therapist, I’m so mature.” Well I do that. I go to therapy. But not because I’m mature but because I’m desperate and exhausted. Guess what guilt doesn’t go away in therapy either. It’s there. Like the vermin it is.
I’m killing it at work. I feel empowered and successful. Guilt. I’m reminded of all the things I’ve let slide in my personal relationships.
I’m killing it at home. Date nights weekly. I’m texting with my kids. Their needs are met. I’ve meal planned. Guilt. I haven’t done the estimate from Timmy or Sue.
Let’s say I do balance it one week with work and family and I have a moment of peace in the overactive mind I love and hate then guess what. Guilt. I haven’t written a book or a blog in years. I used to have dreams of being a successful author. Hell, I used to be an author. What am I now?
I could go on and on. And if you’ve ever been here thank you for sticking around so I don’t feel alone in my delusional melancholy.
How do I fix it?
I don’t think it’s a fixable issue. I think it’s more of a managed one. Kind of like a mental autoimmune disorder. Here’s where I’m at. When guilt kicks up, I have a personal mantra I tell myself over and over until the vice like grip on my chest eases.
Then I say it four more times as an added measure to try and calm my subconscious mind. If you want to borrow it here it is…
“I am enough. Have done enough. And every breath I take and step I make is enough.”
Then I have a notes app on my phone where I have 10 things, I am grateful for listed and I read them to myself or out loud. You can borrow it too or make your own.
1. I woke up.
2. I have a nice bed to sleep in.
3. I have one more day on this earth.
4. I have running water.
5. I have electricity.
6. I have a mother that loves me.
7. I have a roof over my head.
8. I have safety while I sleep.
9. I have clothes.
10. I have made it through everything successfully and I will this too.
I believe there is value in all that I do and while I may seem that I have it all together I do not. But one thing I do have is a perseverance that is stronger than any challenge I have ever faced. And that is something that I cling to. What are your coping strategies for when the guilt hits you?
For the past 25 years I have been on the journey to have a consistent and wonderful sleep. After having my first child at 18 and living through the newborn phase I was desperate for our daughter to sleep through the night. When she finally did, I developed insomnia. For the past 25 years it was popped up here and there and when it does, I can’t even form a complete thought, and all the areas of my life suffer. So now as a 43-year-old perimenopausal woman I want to share all the tips and tricks that I have implemented to pursue the perfect consistent nights sleep
Phase I
These are easy and cost-effective tips that you spend very little on or nothing at all.
Go to bed at the same time every day and wake up at the same time in the morning.
Have a sound machine or download a sound machine app and play sounds that make you feel calm. For me it’s thunderstorms, the ocean and a crackling fireplace.
Depending on whatever part of the country you are in a, but a humidifier can be helpful.
Keep your room cool with a ceiling fan, AC, or a fan blowing on your face while you sleep.
Having bedded and blankets that make the most sense. Did you know in Europe people have their own sets of blankets in the same bed. Would that work for you and your partner?
My bedroom used to be where the laundry piled up and the most random things lived. Instead, now my bedroom is my sanctuary, and I always wake up and go to bed with it neat, tidy, and clean.
Make your bed up every morning or before you come to bed to sleep. My motto is Present day Bri is all about making Future Bri’s live easier.
Essential oil diffusers with the use of lavender essential oils or whatever calms you can be helpful for some people.
No screens before bed.
Phase II
These are the tips that cost more than normal that I was able to implement as I was older, and my resources changed.
Sleep number bed. I snore and the snore setting raises me up enough to eliminate that and keeps me from needed to use a CPAP machine which I hate.
Having a full workup of your blood. I was low on Vitamin D and Magnesium. Now I take the supplement every night along with prescription level Vitamin D.
If you can’t do a Sleep Number bed invest in the mattress that is the most comfortable for you.
Luxurious sheets, pillows, and comforters. Whatever makes you the most comfortable.
Black out curtains and blinds. Keeping all light out helps you wind down and understand it’s time for bed.
A grounding mat or sheet that plugs into the bottom of the plug. This is supposed to help you connect with the earths vibration and contribute to more rest. (I don’t do this anymore because I don’t have a thyroid, and it can affect my medicines absorption.
Pajamas, I have the best pjs you can imagine. They are prefect for every season and spent a ton of money on them one Christmas 5 years ago. For me it was worth it, and they have lasted so long it’s worth the investment.
Phase III
This part may not be for you because it’s what some people would call Woo Woo or Superstitious but after doing all these things consistently I have an amazing sleep most evenings.
What is your circadian rhythm? Google how to figure it out and then if you have the ability plan your life around it.
I keep nothing under my bed. I store nothing under the bed. In Fung Shui it is their belief that a clutter free room and bed beneath allows the flow of qi (life force energy) and contributes to a restful nights sleep.
I keep crystals by my head on my night stand. Amethyst, Citrine, and Obsidian I charge them every full moon and then replace them.
All doors are shut that come into my bedroom from the bedroom door to the closet.
I have not mirrors facing my bed when I sleep. They are all set up in a way that does not face the bed.
I keep plants in my room that contribute to a peaceful environment. And make sure to tend to them. If any are die then I dispose of them accordingly.
I do stretches and breathing techniques before I go to bed to release the days tension. And if it was an especially rough day then I sage myself and take a shower.
We spend 1/3 of our life sleeping and recuperating. While I am no doctor or sleep expert these are just suggestions that I have tried that worked for me at some point in my life. And there have also been times I had to seek a doctors assistance. There is nothing wrong with that. As your own personal steward you have a direct connection to the Divine to know what’s best for you. If you have any suggestions that I haven’t tried please leave em below.
Last night I went to bed when I first started to feel sleepy. One of the privileges of being a person with grown children is the opportunity I must make time for my own health and wellness. One of those is learning to listen to my own bodies needs and wants. As a parent and wife, I’ve spent most of my life suppressing what I needed and wanted. I was taught by mentors, media, religion and society that to serve was not only necessary but was natural for a wife and mother. We are the nurturers.
I’m here to say it’s rubbish.
Living these kinds of principles have hurt my wellbeing and my relationships in ways I’m just now unraveling. Which brings me to going to bed early. Right when I felt tired. Was rewiring my brain to go against this programing.
Here’s the scene. I’ve been going since 3AM. I have more than accomplished so many of my tasks. I’ve had dinner with my husband. We’ve watched 2 30 min episodes of a favorite show. I make it a point to minimize screen time, so I don’t snack as is a bad habit I have when watching TV.
I put the dogs to bed and refilled my water. Then I begin to head upstairs. The hubs go, “Are you going to bed?” I say yeah. He makes a sarcastic sound. And I immediately feel my body flush with guilt followed quickly by a bone deep tiredness from the mental load I have carried through the day.
I take a deep breath and ask. “Did you need something?” He says no and good night. I go upstairs and start a nightly reset. PJs, brush my teeth, shut the blinds and curtains, turn on the lamp on his side of the bed, stretch, take meds, scroll for a little while, then read until I’m tired. Then I go to sleep.
While I did get woke up once I had a pretty restful night. I got up at 3AM today with enthusiasm and excitement for the day.
I think a lot of that has to do with learning to listen to my body and mind but also doing what I feel is needed. Maybe if I’d learned to do this sooner, I could have taught my kids and who knows I could have been more in tune with what their needs were as a mom and delivered that service even better. But with age comes grace with me and others.
Bri Clark 