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What is Emotional Baseline?

As I sit in our motorhome and watch my husband, Chris, of twenty-four years wash the breakfast dishes I find myself content. It is a foreign concept to allow myself this pleasure. Being the daughter of trauma that I am I’ve literally had to work on myself to allow this opportunity. Don’t get me wrong I’m not talking about the money I’ve earned to be in a motorhome or the freedom being self-employed allows us to take off and camp. It’s not that kind of work.

It’s the internal reprogramming of a life of bullshit indoctrinated into me by ancestors, media, organized religion, and society. For most of my life I’ve believed that to have joy or pleasure was not afforded to me because I was _____. (poor, a bastard, white trash, unproductive, uneducated, had a GED, no degree,) The word combinations were endless. If I’d catch myself happy then I’d say, “Woah you haven’t earned that joy.”

What the fuck kind of internal dialogue did I have to say things like that to myself as early as ten?

Now in my early 40’s I’m just breaking through all the deprogramming and learning the truth. You can have joy without contentment, but you can’t have contentment without joy.

Contentment is like the baseline operating mode that you should be most of the time. It’s an emotional rhythm people find and can maintain due to all the little daily choices they make based on their internal value systems.

Joy is when something exceptional happens to spike the baseline of your emotional standard. It’s kind of like the high note of a song. You can’t sing a whole song in a G. You must take a breath eventually and go back down to a tone you can maintain. That’s emotional baseline.

Most people, like me, seem to be in a constant emotional baseline of fright or flight. There is no time for peace or rest because_____. Insert whatever reason. That’s not to say there aren’t good reasons. But if people living in poverty who work every day just to meet their basic needs make time for rest, joy, and celebration. Why shouldn’t you?

Momguilt is like a disease without a vaccine so I’ve decided to make my own

Guilt is the cockroach of a woman’s emotions. Never fully dying or eradicated. I am a woman, so I speak from that point of view. It doesn’t matter what season I’m in, how successful I am, or how much I struggle. I feel guilt like the sticky film left on my skin after working in the humidity of a southern summer afternoon.

There’s a song lyric I hear all the time and it says, “I got a therapist, I’m so mature.” Well I do that. I go to therapy. But not because I’m mature but because I’m desperate and exhausted. Guess what guilt doesn’t go away in therapy either. It’s there. Like the vermin it is.

I’m killing it at work. I feel empowered and successful. Guilt. I’m reminded of all the things I’ve let slide in my personal relationships.

I’m killing it at home. Date nights weekly. I’m texting with my kids. Their needs are met. I’ve meal planned. Guilt. I haven’t done the estimate from Timmy or Sue.

Let’s say I do balance it one week with work and family and I have a moment of peace in the overactive mind I love and hate then guess what. Guilt. I haven’t written a book or a blog in years. I used to have dreams of being a successful author. Hell, I used to be an author. What am I now?

I could go on and on. And if you’ve ever been here thank you for sticking around so I don’t feel alone in my delusional melancholy.

How do I fix it?

I don’t think it’s a fixable issue. I think it’s more of a managed one. Kind of like a mental autoimmune disorder. Here’s where I’m at. When guilt kicks up, I have a personal mantra I tell myself over and over until the vice like grip on my chest eases.

Then I say it four more times as an added measure to try and calm my subconscious mind. If you want to borrow it here it is…

“I am enough. Have done enough. And every breath I take and step I make is enough.”

Then I have a notes app on my phone where I have 10 things, I am grateful for listed and I read them to myself or out loud. You can borrow it too or make your own.

1. I woke up.

2. I have a nice bed to sleep in.

3. I have one more day on this earth.

4. I have running water.

5. I have electricity.

6. I have a mother that loves me.

7. I have a roof over my head.

8. I have safety while I sleep.

9. I have clothes.

10. I have made it through everything successfully and I will this too.

I believe there is value in all that I do and while I may seem that I have it all together I do not. But one thing I do have is a perseverance that is stronger than any challenge I have ever faced. And that is something that I cling to. What are your coping strategies for when the guilt hits you?

Learning to listen to my own needs: Releasing Mom/Wife Guilt

Last night I went to bed when I first started to feel sleepy. One of the privileges of being a person with grown children is the opportunity I must make time for my own health and wellness. One of those is learning to listen to my own bodies needs and wants. As a parent and wife, I’ve spent most of my life suppressing what I needed and wanted. I was taught by mentors, media, religion and society that to serve was not only necessary but was natural for a wife and mother. We are the nurturers.

I’m here to say it’s rubbish.

Living these kinds of principles have hurt my wellbeing and my relationships in ways I’m just now unraveling. Which brings me to going to bed early. Right when I felt tired. Was rewiring my brain to go against this programing.

Here’s the scene. I’ve been going since 3AM. I have more than accomplished so many of my tasks. I’ve had dinner with my husband. We’ve watched 2 30 min episodes of a favorite show. I make it a point to minimize screen time, so I don’t snack as is a bad habit I have when watching TV.

I put the dogs to bed and refilled my water. Then I begin to head upstairs. The hubs go, “Are you going to bed?” I say yeah. He makes a sarcastic sound. And I immediately feel my body flush with guilt followed quickly by a bone deep tiredness from the mental load I have carried through the day.

I take a deep breath and ask. “Did you need something?” He says no and good night. I go upstairs and start a nightly reset. PJs, brush my teeth, shut the blinds and curtains, turn on the lamp on his side of the bed, stretch, take meds, scroll for a little while, then read until I’m tired. Then I go to sleep.

While I did get woke up once I had a pretty restful night. I got up at 3AM today with enthusiasm and excitement for the day.

I think a lot of that has to do with learning to listen to my body and mind but also doing what I feel is needed. Maybe if I’d learned to do this sooner, I could have taught my kids and who knows I could have been more in tune with what their needs were as a mom and delivered that service even better. But with age comes grace with me and others.

What’s your nightly shut down routine?

Achieve Financial Discipline: Your Step-by-Step Guide

Welcome Back to this budget series. If you haven’t done step I or step II you can click on the links and check em out. (The hyperlinks are in the highlighted words above.) We are going to take steps I and II and apply them in step III and in step IV I’m going to show you how being disciplined will give you 3-4 extra pay checks a year without working more than you are now.

Take the information about your bills. Include details like their name, minimum payment, or average payment. Remember that things like utilities will fluctuate. Add their due date and apply them to a month. You can do this on a digital calendar like your phone or Google Calendar. You can also print one out or apply it to a planner.

Go down through your list.

On each due date, write the name of the bill. Include the minimum payment or the average payment.

Do this for every bill you pay every month.

Then stop. You’ve completed steps I, II,III! Way to go!

Stay tuned. In step IV, I’m going to show you how to give yourself an extra 3-4 paydays a year. You won’t need to work any extra.

Look forward to seeing y’all next time.

Christmas Perspective: Pursue the Positive

Christmas mornings with adult children is different. And it’s actually pretty amazing. Life is all about perspective and the story you tell yourself. I learned from the Minimalists this tool. I had planned to get on a flight to Boise. I wanted to spend Christmas morning with my grandson and our other kids. Instead, I’m sitting at a computer alone. The rest of my family sleeps. After catching COVID, I was uncertain if my husband would get it too. I also didn’t know if I would be negative by Christmas Eve. As a result, we canceled all our plans to get our refunds.

I’m grateful for this turn of events. We at least got to have Christmas Eve with our local children because I tested Negative. I’m grateful we had the good sense to cancel early and have that money to visit at a later time. It feels like I have 5 extra days. I can do whatever I want. We were supposed to be gone for a week. The possibilities are endless.

I think there is great value in having space for feelings. But there is power in not staying in the negative or low level feelings of sadness, loneliness, or anger. If there was something that being poor taught me it was how to move on. When you’re working to keep your lights on you don’t have time to feel much less take time to grieve. If you reach for the positive enough it starts to become second nature.

No matter where you are this holiday season you are an empowered and valuable person. Take the time to shift the perspective if you find yourself in sadness. I’m not saying don’t feel the pain, I’m saying don’t stay there. We need you and your unique talents in this world.